Bits of me here and there.

Saturday 27 August 2016

Student Again: Kenapa UK?

I'm going to have the biggest change in my life in a week.

Hah ada apaan sih?
Jadi gini, insya Allah minggu depan, gue bakal berangkat ke UK, ngelanjutin kuliah S2. Alhamdulillah berhasil keterima di University of Manchester, almamaternya om Benedict, meskipun jurusannya jauh pisan.
Kenapa S2?
Kenapa ya... Sebenernya banyak alasannya sih, dengan porsi yang berbeda-beda pula. Pertama, ada bidang yang ingin gue tekunin, tapi pendidikan formal gue belom mumpuni di bidang itu. Bayangin aja, dari 144 SKS selama kuliah, gue cuma dapet 3 SKS mata kuliah tentang ini. Ya amplop. Yakali. 20 years of being alive, 4,5 years in college, I think I have my heart and eyes set on this field, so it's natural that I want to understand this field more. Kenapa ga kerja aja? I tried, really, but it wasn't enough. Ini bukan bidang yang cukup populer disini, jadi semua pengetahuan yang gue dapet selama kerja mostly berasal dari common sense dan trial and error. I would like some solid knowledge tho. Dan... Kalo dibilang gue kabur dari keharusan gue bekerja, mungkin iya juga. Mungkin. Meskipun gue bilang gue kerja, ga selama itu juga sih. My life has been such in a hurry since starting college, so I decided I need to take a step back a little to really understand what I really want to do in life, instead of rushing without objectives. I think I figured it out.
Kenapa UK?
INI JELAS. Gue ga mau belajar bahasa lain lagi selain bahasa Inggris. Itu faktor utama. Jadi jelas gue ga akan berusaha nyari di luar negara berbahasa Inggris. Call me weak, I don't care.
That leaves me with 3 options, UK, US, and Oz. Gue explore beberapa opsi di US, tapi kebanyakan universitas juga offer program yang gue pengen di dalam MBA, which is big no. Pertama, gue jelas ga qualified untuk MBA, kedua, gue emang ga ada niatan untuk MBA, dan ketiga, MBA feels like Teknik Industri v2.0. Lo akan belajar semua hal yang ada di dalam dunia bisnis, dan dalam kasus gue, I ended up mastering none of them. So yeah. For Oz, kenapa ya, gue rasanya udah ga pengen duluan untuk ke Australia. Hahaha. I had one teacher from Aus once, I legit didn't understand 50% of his sayings. Itu juga jadi pertimbangan gue sih, I mean, kalo gue aja udah kesulitan memahami bahasanya, apalagi buat belajar dan mendengarkan dosennya. So I crossed both of them.
That leaves me with UK.
OK SEBENERNYA GINI.
Gue googling aja jurusan gue yang pengen + MSc, eh langsung keluar halamannya di page 1 urutan 1. Selesai dah masalah gue.
But in all seriousness, gue emang pengen ke UK sih. It's not too far like US, but far enough not like Oz. Gue selalu ngerasa UK tuh kayak Bandung, it's calm in certain aspects, but modern enough. US feels like Jakarta, if you know what I'm saying. Mungkin kalo hasil googlingan gue keluarnya universitas di US atau Australia, mungkin gue bakal bingung. Tapi yaudah, udah takdirnya kesana emang, hahaha. Gue tetep nyari-nyari sih, gue cek semua top universities di UK, kebetulan satu-satunya universitas yang offer jurusan yang gue mau cuma University of Manchester. Yaudah. Sikat. Alhamdulillah. Keterima.

Next kalo ada niatan gue cerita proses aplikasinya deh. Wish me luck!
Wednesday 24 August 2016

#MaybeHeDoesntHitYou But...

Gue lagi sering ngeliat hashtag ini. Well, ga sering juga sih, tapi ada satu artikel di Buzzfeed (and damn I lost it) yang didedikasikan untuk hashtag ini, and it brings back some (bad) memories.
I am still trying so hard, until now, to not regret anything that ever happened in my life and enjoy it, even if sometimes the result is not like you wanted. Tapi ada satu kejadian sampe sekarang, well I guess, that I still can't forgive myself for.
To not standing up for myself and letting myself feeling little.

Beberapa tahun yang lalu, I was in a relationship. It was... if I recalled it again now, I was sure there was nothing good in it.
He didn't hit me, no.
But he made myself feeling little.
He never let me met my friends.
He cut all of my social connection.
He got angry if I went out with my friends.
He blamed everything on me, even if I just stayed at home all day and literally doing nothing, he would find some problem to argue at night, and it would end with me begging for his forgiveness, while actually I didn't know what I was apologized for.
He made me feel stupid.
He made me feel like I should downgrade myself, instead him upgrading himself, so we could be equal. Well no, he didn't want to be equal, he wanted to be better.
He was emotionally abusive to me, and it was wrong.

I still hold grunge until now. I am still angry. Sometimes, I still wish for his life to be hard, to pay back what he has done to my life. Sometimes, I still wish his life would be troubled, or difficult. Well, maybe it is, maybe it isn't. I've cut all kind of contacts with him when we broke up anyway.
I am really trying to forgive myself, but it's hard. It's hard to acknowledge that even though he did that to me, but what mattered most is that, I LET HIM DO THAT. I let him to be.
Kadang-kadang gue masih merasa bodoh sampe sekarang. Kadang-kadang gue masih berusaha me-recall memori masa itu, berusah mengingat-ingat apa yang menyebabkan gue bisa sebodoh itu, bisa membiarkan hidup gue diatur-atur seperti itu. I don't know, mungkin gue emang benar-benar bodoh waktu itu.

I let this sit on my draft for months. I literally forget I had this until I opened this blog again to post something. When did I make this post?
But anyway, I think my life is getting better. The moment I left this on my draft, I didn't know what to write anymore beside the above paragraph, because I let my emotions drove me. But now, with major changes coming in my life, I think it's time to let this one go.
Just, fingers crossed, I hope I don't make this kind of mistake again.



Adulting

I don't know about you, but I'm definitely 22~

Birthdays never really put any different perspective to me. Life does.
See, here's the thing, eventhough I'm 22, I live in the world of 24s, 25s, even the 27s. The moment I turned 20, I already felt my life in a hurry, because I was surrounded by 22s, and that was they do. Adulting. Anxious about the future.
So the past year has been giving me a pause, since I literally stopped doing anything, because I really felt I like I need to figure it out on my own what I wanna do in my life. So I shut everyone out.

I think I know now.
Welcome to adult life!