If Only You Could Turn Back Time (But You Can't) (And That's How It Is)

I guess, every person in the world, for once in their live, wishing they could turn back time.

So did I, today.

I have a major problem today, yang rasanya jadi titik puncak segala masalah gue yang kebawa dari Manchester sejak gue pulang sebulan yang lalu. And I really need to vent today.

Semua masalah ini bermula dari irresponsible adjusment and decision yang gue bikin beberapa bulan lalu ketika masih disana. And for a split second, few times in a month, I wish I didn't do that.

But it happened anyway.

Sejak gue SMA, gue selalu berusaha semaksimal mungkin untuk menghindari yang namanya penyesalan. Gue percaya, se-reckless apapun kita dalam membuat keputusan, ada perasaan dan logika yang mendasari proses itu, pada saat itu. Dan gue tau, apapun yang terjadi, pada saat itu, gue akan membuat keputusan yang sama, berapa kalipun kejadian itu diulang. I know myself enough, to understand I wouldn't budge if I decide on something. Karena gue tau, eventhough maybe it seemed thoughtless at the moment, sebenernya nggak. Gue tau apa yang gue pikirin dan rasain saat membuat keputusan itu, pada saat itu. Namun kadang, for few times in life, I wish I coud turn back time. To never made the decision. So I did not have to blame everything (but me) for what happened in my life.

Tapi nggak.

Gue tau, yang gue inginkan sebenernya bukan berharap bisa memutar waktu.
I never wished for it to never happen. Cause I understand, it needed to happen.

Gue tau, yang gue inginkan sebenernya adalah bisa memaafkan diri sendiri.

Bisa memaafkan diri sendiri karena gue membuat keputusan itu.

Because if there is anything to blame, it is me.

Karena se-absurd apapun itu, gue sendiri yang membuat keputusan itu, dalam keadaan sadar.

Meskipun semua orang terdekat gue ga bisa paham sampai detik ini, gue tau kenapa.

Gue paham kenapa. All the good things in life come with price.

Dan gue paham semua resiko yang mungkin timbul dari keputusan itu.

Konsekuensi.

Of course, you wish the consequences did not need to happen.

But it did anyway.

The problem was never to wish I could turn back the time, the problem is I need to forgive myself. I need to let go. I need to accept it happened. For a point in my life, it did happen.

And I'm trying to.

Weekly Memento: Everyone Has Their Own Moment

Hi!

I just made a big change on how this blog looks, hopefully bisa menambah semangat  untuk kembali ngeblog secara konsisten, mengingat rasanya hanya ini sekarang pelarian gue dari entah apa drama drama kehidupan ini.

I'd really like to start reflecting on what I got and what I realised every week, so I could look back on it someday when I felt lost, and figured that I have known it all along, I just needed to be reminded once in a blue moon.

So, this week's findings?

Everyone has their own time, their own pace, their own moment.

Di saat-saat seperti ini, jujur aja, kadang hidup kerasa agak gimana gitu, ketika lo ngeliat temen-temen lo udah settle kerjaan, mulai nyebar-nyebar undangan nikah (dan seragam brisdesmaid!), udah punya skill-skill tertentu yang mengagumkan, rasanya udah tau hidupnya mau dibawa kemana, ya udah terorganisir aja gitu. Sementara gue, rasanya masih disini-sini aja, baru selesai sekolah, tapi bahkan gatau sebenernya gue bisa mengaplikasikan ilmu yang gue dapet apa ngga. Added skill? Kok rasanya nol besar... Pasangan? Ya Allah yang itu prioritas terakhir kayaknya. Money and stuff? I'm a mess.

Gue sempet agak down karena ini, tepat di masa-masa gue menuju selesai nyusun tesis, karena to be honest, selama ini gue selalu mikir, "Yaudahlah, gue kan masih sekolah ini, nanti aja dipikirinnya, kelarin dulu ini essay". Dan gitu selesai tesis, lha ya tiba saatnya gue mikirin itu semua, dan itu cukup overwhelming, karena pada saat itu rencana gue udah agak berantakan, karena menyimpang dari plan awal gue, karena ada beberapa irresponsible adjustments yang gue bikin. I almost broke down. There were moments I couldn't think straight, because I was so consumed by this. Honestly, I was such a mess back then.

But this and that happened, gue balik ke Jakarta, ketemu temen-temen lama, dan emang ya, ketemu orang-orang tuh selalu bisa ngasih perspektif baru. Gue lupa kalo kadang apa yang gue liat di media sosial ya cuma apa yang ditunjukkan sang pengguna kepada dunia, dan bukan keseluruhan dari hidupnya. Meanwhile dengan teman-teman gue, apalagi yang udah kenal lama, udah ga ada rahasia di antara kita, ya ternyata hidup ga selurus itu kok. Gue ga sendirian. Semua orang pasti punya moment 'lost' dalam hidupnya. Memang ada temen-temen gue yang udah settle, tapi yaudah, gue dan dia berbeda. We aims for different things in life. How we achieve that depends on us, yang penting ya keep moving.

Ada juga temen gue yang sama YOLOnya kayak gue, I swear to God we are so much alike, dan gue ga ngerasa sendirian lagi. Ga semua hal harus diburu-buru, yang penting tetep aim for continous improvement sih. Gimana cara mencapainya, everybody has their own time, their own pace, their own way, and their own moment. And that's okay. No need to rush everything :)

Running Away

Running away does not mean you are weak.
Running away means you acknowledge the sadness and pain, and you are not as strong as you thought you were.
Running away means you are trying to find help.
Running away means you choose not to wallow yourself in the hole of despair.
Sometimes, running away means saving yourself.

Dwell in Uncertainties

I swear to God I'm in the middle of writing my dissertation, but I feel like rambling at 12 AM, so here I am.

I had meaningful conversation yesterday, talking about life and how sometimes, we dwell in uncertainties and losing hope that everything will go as we plan. I have been there. I have been in a hole, for 6 months or longer, I honestly felt like that phase of my life was a blur, up until now.
I think it happens to everybody.
(I swear to God I don't know what I'm trying to say but I feel like writing)
Life sucks sometimes. For some of the people, life sucks most of the time. You feel like you're losing direction and everybody turns their back against you, well not really, it is just you feel worthless.
And that's okay.
Everybody has their moment, I guess. I won't say that it will be okay, I can only say that too shall pass. I don't know how it will turn up for you. I can only say, you either choose, or life choose it for you. Just remember, you won't be stuck forever. You can feel like you are in the middle of nowhere now, but trust me, it will change. I can only hope for you (whoever you are who reading this), it will turn good. If it's not now, maybe later.
I have a verse that guides my life from the moment I read this verse from Quran.

... It could be that you dislike something, when it is good for you; and it could be that you like something, when it is bad for you. Allah knows, and you do not know." - QS Al-Baqarah: 216

When you look at it for the first time, maybe you will think it's so cliche, as we human normally loves something that is bad for us, but we can unlove that, and we are very aware of that. But, as I took a walk this night going back home, I felt like it was beyond that. You don't know if it's good or bad for you, you just give it a best shot, and you love it wholeheartedly. But God knows. You may feel like it's so unfair when it is taken away from you, or when you fail, but I'd like to think that, when you're already giving the best effort, that is up to Him. And when we succeed, or fail, that is actually the answer. Everything happens for a reason. Just, give your best shot, and when you feel it is the best you can give, what happens after that is beyond your control. You might not understand it know, or forever, but I'd like think that there is greater plan for you behind that.

I swear this might sounds cliche, but honestly, that is how I avoid regret for these past years. I gave my best, and I stopped worrying. And just remember, whatever uncertainties you're having now, it will pass. It will become clearer and brighter, and you'll be in the road that is destined for you.

Student Again: At the End of the Road

Hi!

It's been ages tho, I'm not even sure if someone is still reading this blog (lol!), but if you're reading this, hi and thanks :D

Gue lagi in the middle of writing dissertation, well, actually, almost at the end of it, and I can't be more excited for this to end honestlyyyyy I'm so tired. The old habit came back, and I fell sick constantly (well, as expected), which fortunately did not get any worse than the one I've had before 3 years ago (3 years?!).

I had my 23th birthday 2 weeks ago, which happened to be my first birthday literally away from home, but interestingly even better than the ones I had before. Woken up to sweet messages from people (if only I could frame some of them), picked myself up from bed and cooked lunch for my bestfriends (biggest milestone of adulting: actually feeding people with my dishes), had semi-failed surprise but still lovely tho, took detour to had afternoon tea near home, and ended up with partying which well... not the best place I've ever been but eh okay for the night out. In summary, one of the best day I had in this city. Not to mention lovely messages and warm wishes from everyone that reminds me I'm still surrounded by good people which sometimes I take for granted.

My adventure in this city is almost over, like only 5 months left, yet I just started to appreciate this place more. You know the sayings, you don't know what you have until you lose it. But well, let's make this time the most out of it tho. So, I'm trying to go out more now, enjoy the sun, socializing with people, while simultaneously hoping the day would change faster and everything would be fine again.

Anyhoo, I'm still not sure what I'm trying to say in this post, just feel like to update something, altho I'm not sure anyone wants to feel updated...? Is there someone still reading this?

But well, wish me luck!