This and That

Merry Christmas and happy holiday, guys!

Cukup senang melihat perdebatan ngucapin-selamat-natal-atau-gak ga seramai tahun tahun kemarin. Apakah ini bukti toleransi meningkat atau justru saking banyaknya masalah-masalah intoleran yang muncul sampe sampe tingkat kepentingan ucapan Natal menurun, entahlah. Yang penting Natal tahun ini rasanya cukup tentram, or at least, gue ga liat aneh-aneh di detikcom.

............. Tujuan post ini apasih.

Well, ga ada sih. Tapi Natal tahun ini gue lewatkan di Manchester, yang mana bener-bener sepi kayak kota mati. Wakacau. Gue bisa guling-gulingan di rel tram kayaknya kalo mau. Kereta mati, bus ga jalan, toko ga ada yang buka. Akhirnya Natal kemarin gue habiskan keliling kota jalan kaki lebih dari 12,000 langkah pake heels boots. Idiot.

Talking about this and that, my life took few serious turns from here to there to the point I could not even comprehend the meaning behind this. Aslik. Rasanya ini tahun teramai dalam hidup gue... Punya temen-temen kompor yang suka liat temennya susah juga kurang membantu dalam menjalani hidup ini (but I'm still grateful for them tho). Terlalu lucu adalah semacam istilah yang tepat untuk menggambarkan tahun ini. Funny tho, waktu gue kuliah, I thought by this point in my life I would have get  my shit together. Ternyata nggak. Gue masih bingung and lose the direction, but well, that's fine for now.

I would definitely have another post dedicated for 2017, but I guess the true highlight of this year is to find myself again. At some points in this year, I lost myself few times to the point I almost broke down again like 2 years ago. I rarely opened up about this, but at some time around mid-year, I could not even stay in my room without feeling suffocated, like I could not breath. I felt constantly sick, and nervous about everything. I literally had to force myself out every day, because I was too scared of being alone. Everyone who knows me also knows how much I love being alone, but that time, I would do anything to never be alone, because the dark thoughts were so out of control. I was literally in the middle of losing myself, or maybe I have lost that time. I would probably never understand how depression feels, but it was definitely possible to be slipped into the hole of depression.

Life is getting better now tho, even it took serious u-turn few times unexpectedly, but well, what is life without the twists? 28 days remaining in this city!

Weekly Memento: The Essence of Travelling

Hi!

Harusnya ini di-post tiap akhir minggu, tapi karena gue baru sampe Manchester hari Senin dan tepar setepar-teparnya, dan ini masih awal minggu, maka maafkan.

I just came back from the most postponed trip of the year, aka udah berkali kali janji sampe akhirnya berhasil berangkat di janji ke empat. Gue kemaren pergi ke Dusseldorf dan sekitarnya, atau sering disebut daerah Nordrhein-Westfalen (NRW) di Jerman. Bahasanya, provinsi NRW lah. Kenapa pergi kesana? Karena disana ada mantan bos gue selama berorganisasi di tahun terakhir kuliah, and he seriously saved me from misery on the last year of college. If it wasn't for him randomly recruiting me (seriously, we didn't even talk on the previous year), college life wouldn't be as much fun as I had on the last year. So, the least thing I could do was to pack my bags and flew myself there.

I used to enjoy travelling. I mean, I still am, but something is different as time flies. I had a very tiring journey in the last winter that forever changed my view on travelling. 18 hari hidup di jalanan, dari satu kasur ke kasur lain, makan ga jelas, kedinginan, traumatis enough buat gue. Sejak saat itu, pergi lebih dari 4 hari udah cukup bikin gue gatel pengen pulang. Sebisa mungkin kalo pergi keluar kota, lebih baik gue pergi jam 6 pagi dan pulang jam 12 malam, daripada harus nginep.

Tapi yang paling berubah mungkin esensi travelling buat gue. I don't know why, tapi mengejar tourist attraction udah turun jauh dalam skala prioritas gue dalam travelling. The places would still be there anyway. Buat gue, travelling sekarang adalah ketika lo bisa bersenang-senang sama partner travelling lo. Gue justru paling suka nyasar kalo travelling. Atau ketinggalan tram. Asal jangan ketinggalan kereta kalo pindah ke kota lain, itu peer luar biasa. Gue lebih suka ngalor ngidul ngiterin Christmas Market daripada harus loncat loncat ngunjungin tourist attraction, terus foto, terus udah. I mean, ada kan orang orang yang penting foto supaya bisa di-post di Instagram. I admit I used to be that person. Dan... I don't know, but I grew tired of it. I once had a trip, and when I came back and checked my memory card, I was surprised at myself for not taking any landscape picture, and realised I did not fly across the damn ocean just to take pictures of me in front of a place with a blurry background. It was supposed to be more than that.

It was supposed to be getting lost in a new place. It was supposed to be admiring simple things in unfamiliar neighborhood. It was supposed to be trying guess the food menu cause you did not understand a single thing.  It was supposed to be opening Google Maps everywhere you go and still ended up somewhere you did not plan. It was supposed to be randomly buying things just because you want to bring something home. It was supposed to be running at the station like crazy cause you almost missed the bus. It was supposed to be disappointed cause the place did not live to your expectation, but it was still fine because you have your friends.

It was supposed to be sharing food with them cause you are broke and could only afford one, or too many choices available and you want to try it all. It was supposed to be counting the debt at the end of the day on who owes who and how much. It was supposed to be playing Charades while waiting the train, and making stupid noises, cause you know, Charades. It was supposed to be mad on the alarm that did not stop ringing but not coming from your phone. It was supposed to be sitting on the top on their luggage while they are trying to put it together cause they bring too much. It was supposed to be exchanging outers so your photos looked different from day to day eventhough you only bring one jacket.

It was supposed to be more than just taking photos for Instagram.

Pain

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If you are in pain, remember this,
this is the same pain your friends went through, and they survived,
this is the same pain your parents had to endure during their youth days, and probably still,
this is the same pain your little sister cried about, and came in the morning with puffy eyes,
this is the same pain your older brother put aside, and acted like he was fine,
this is the same pain someone you pass by in the street tried to shake off, and yet still gave you smile,
this is the same pain your favorite singer sung about in their songs, and you memorized the lyrics cause you know how it feels,
this is the same pain someone next to you in the mosque prayed for strength, and they still carried on with their days,
and remember,
this is the same pain that you caused for someone, and they will never forget.

Kitchen War: Kolak Pisang 3 Ingredients

Buat gue, kolak pisang itu comfort food, aside from ayam kecap, sop ayam, dan udang saos mentega. Kolak pisang bukan cuma sekedar puasa, tapi bisa literally tiap minggu dibuat di rumah. So imagine, ketika gue pindah ke Manchester, skill masak literally mendekati 0, bedain pisang aja ga bisa (sampe sekarang masih ga bisa sih but well), ga ada gula merah, gue absen makan kolak pisang hampir setengah tahun, sampe akhirnya puasa tiba. Gue. Ga. Kuat. Gue butuh kolak pisang.

Jadi dimulailah pencarian gue akan pisang di segala penjuru kota Manchester ini. Gue pernah nemu pisang, yang gue gatau apa jenisnya, tapi pas gue goreng, meleleh. MELELEH. Ini mentega apa pisang gue juga bingung. Tapi yang namanya disayang Allah, ternyata di city center ada yang jual pisang tanduk. Sedeket itu ternyata tapi gue ga pernah tau. Emang yang namanya jodoh ga pernah kemana. Gula merah gue impor langsung dari Jakarta, tapi ternyata di toko Asia sekitar ada yang jual, meskipun ga sehitam punya Indonesia. Ketika gue bilang ini bahannya cuma tiga, percayalah, gue ga becanda. Gue yang ada di benua lain dengan akses terbatas aja bisa bikin, apalagi kalian yang di Indonesia. So, here's the recipe:

Kolak Pisang 3 Bahan ala Keluarga Adi Suardi (karena resep ini turun dari emak gue, I guess)

Serving: 3 kali makan (gue ga bilang berapa orang, gue bilang 3 kali makan ya) (karena gue makan ini sendirian)

Lama Penyajian: 15 menit (iya, gue bikin ini jam setengah 12 malem, cuma butuh 15 menit)

Bahan:

2 buah pisang tanduk/plantain 

(sebenernya gue tau ada pisang lain yang lebih enak buat kolak, tapi gue lupa namanya apa, mungkin pisang Bangka) (jangan pake pisang Sunpride!!!) (gatau sih jujur kalo pisang Sunpride bakal jadi gimana tapi jangan deh)

1 bongkah gula merah 

(ini masalah kita, ga pernah ada satuan internasional sebesar apakah 1 bongkah gula merah itu, tapi sementara 1 bongkah dulu aja, entar pas lo cicipin baru tentuin udah cukup apa perlu ditambah)

400 ml santan

(kalo lo tinggal di luar negeri dan santannya kalengan, udah, masukin aja semua sekaleng kaleng itu) (kalo lo tinggal di Indonesia dan santannya Kara, cairin, tapi jangan sampe secair air, soalnya itu bakal jadi kekentalan kuah, kecuali lo emang pengen kuahnya secair air) (kalo lo pake santan peres... gatau gue ga pernah nyoba bye)

Penyajian:

1. Iris-iris gula merah sampe jadi kayak tipis gitu, udah ga bentuk bongkahan lagi ya, macem ngiris bawang lah. Abis itu, panasin gulanya di dalem panci pake api sedang sampe meleleh. Kalo ga meleleh-meleleh, tambahin air dikiiiiit aja, cem cem 1-2 sendok makan, yang penting basah. Kalo ga meleleh-meleleh, ya gedein aja lah dikit apinya tapi jangan sampe gosong.

2. Sambil nunggu gulanya meleleh, potong-potong pisang. Jangan lupa kulitnya dibuang di tempat sampah, bukan di jalanan. Terserah pisangnya mau setebel apa, potong lurus atau pendek, bebas. Mau lo ukir juga bebas. Makin kecil potongannya, ya makin banyak juga piecesnya (kalo lo kikir terus ada temen yang mau minta, makin kecil potongan makin banyak yang bisa dibagi, keliatannya aja banyak padahal kali setengah pisang juga ga sampe). Gue ya biasanya normal normal aja ketebelannya, ga setipis kertas, tapi ga setebel pisang goreng abang abang juga. Bebas lah.

3. Pas gulanya udah meleleh, masukin pisangnya ke dalam panci. Iya, ga pake air atau santan dulu. Kayak ngegoreng pisanganya pake gula gitu lho. Biarin kayak gitu sampe pisangnya berubah jadi agak coklat karena ketempelan gula, atau sampe ada wangi pisang kegoreng gitu. Makin lama makin baik sih sebenernya, tapi kalo laper ya dipersingkat juga gapapa. Apinya jangan gede gede banget ya.

4. Kalo pisangnya udah "mateng", baru deh, masukin santan. Udah. Kelar.

5. Ga deng, ya biarin aja sampe agak mendidih. Apinya jangan kegedean ya, nanti santannya pecah. Abis santannya udah panas agak mendidih, baru cicipin lagi, kira kira butuh gula lagi apa nggak. Kalo butuh, kecilin apinya dikit, terus masukin gula merah lagi.

6. Selesai!

Ini gue tambahin kolang kaling, setelah akhirnya restock di toko Asia langganan

Maafin ya resepnya rasanya banyak tulisan ga penting. Kabarin ya kalo nyobain bikin! :*

In Between

In between blossoming petals and spring breezes,
I found you laying on the grass with eyes closed,
I wished for the sun to set longer.

In between corner stops and brick sidewalks,
I saw you waving at me with the tired smile,
I craved for luck to be in my favor.

In between fountain splashes and light beams,
I noticed you staring at the emitted laughter,
I yearned for our life to be that easy.

In between cigarette smokes and billiard balls,
I spotted you standing still with hands on the table,
I longed for time to stay still.

In between freezing nights and dimming stars,
I felt your warmth next to me,
I hoped for morning to come late.

In between tacky riddles and messy puzzles,
I stared at you cracking codes,
I dreamed for never ending adventures.

In between grey clouds and rain drops,
I looked at you,
and for once, I wanted nothing.

Home

Home is a weird concept. I used to think home is a place where you live. Your address. A building.

But when you are constantly moving from a place to another, where is your home?

And so, there came another concept, home is where your people are. It is not a building, it is not an address. Home is anywhere, as long as you are with your people.

And so, again, when someone leaves, one by one, and you're left alone, are you still home? How do you rebuild a broken home? When it gives you nothing but sadness, can you leave? When there's nothing left for you anymore, should you stay?

If Only You Could Turn Back Time (But You Can't) (And That's How It Is)

I guess, every person in the world, for once in their live, wishing they could turn back time.

So did I, today.

I have a major problem today, yang rasanya jadi titik puncak segala masalah gue yang kebawa dari Manchester sejak gue pulang sebulan yang lalu. And I really need to vent today.

Semua masalah ini bermula dari irresponsible adjusment and decision yang gue bikin beberapa bulan lalu ketika masih disana. And for a split second, few times in a month, I wish I didn't do that.

But it happened anyway.

Sejak gue SMA, gue selalu berusaha semaksimal mungkin untuk menghindari yang namanya penyesalan. Gue percaya, se-reckless apapun kita dalam membuat keputusan, ada perasaan dan logika yang mendasari proses itu, pada saat itu. Dan gue tau, apapun yang terjadi, pada saat itu, gue akan membuat keputusan yang sama, berapa kalipun kejadian itu diulang. I know myself enough, to understand I wouldn't budge if I decide on something. Karena gue tau, eventhough maybe it seemed thoughtless at the moment, sebenernya nggak. Gue tau apa yang gue pikirin dan rasain saat membuat keputusan itu, pada saat itu. Namun kadang, for few times in life, I wish I coud turn back time. To never made the decision. So I did not have to blame everything (but me) for what happened in my life.

Tapi nggak.

Gue tau, yang gue inginkan sebenernya bukan berharap bisa memutar waktu.
I never wished for it to never happen. Cause I understand, it needed to happen.

Gue tau, yang gue inginkan sebenernya adalah bisa memaafkan diri sendiri.

Bisa memaafkan diri sendiri karena gue membuat keputusan itu.

Because if there is anything to blame, it is me.

Karena se-absurd apapun itu, gue sendiri yang membuat keputusan itu, dalam keadaan sadar.

Meskipun semua orang terdekat gue ga bisa paham sampai detik ini, gue tau kenapa.

Gue paham kenapa. All the good things in life come with price.

Dan gue paham semua resiko yang mungkin timbul dari keputusan itu.

Konsekuensi.

Of course, you wish the consequences did not need to happen.

But it did anyway.

The problem was never to wish I could turn back the time, the problem is I need to forgive myself. I need to let go. I need to accept it happened. For a point in my life, it did happen.

And I'm trying to.

Weekly Memento: Everyone Has Their Own Moment

Hi!

I just made a big change on how this blog looks, hopefully bisa menambah semangat  untuk kembali ngeblog secara konsisten, mengingat rasanya hanya ini sekarang pelarian gue dari entah apa drama drama kehidupan ini.

I'd really like to start reflecting on what I got and what I realised every week, so I could look back on it someday when I felt lost, and figured that I have known it all along, I just needed to be reminded once in a blue moon.

So, this week's findings?

Everyone has their own time, their own pace, their own moment.

Di saat-saat seperti ini, jujur aja, kadang hidup kerasa agak gimana gitu, ketika lo ngeliat temen-temen lo udah settle kerjaan, mulai nyebar-nyebar undangan nikah (dan seragam brisdesmaid!), udah punya skill-skill tertentu yang mengagumkan, rasanya udah tau hidupnya mau dibawa kemana, ya udah terorganisir aja gitu. Sementara gue, rasanya masih disini-sini aja, baru selesai sekolah, tapi bahkan gatau sebenernya gue bisa mengaplikasikan ilmu yang gue dapet apa ngga. Added skill? Kok rasanya nol besar... Pasangan? Ya Allah yang itu prioritas terakhir kayaknya. Money and stuff? I'm a mess.

Gue sempet agak down karena ini, tepat di masa-masa gue menuju selesai nyusun tesis, karena to be honest, selama ini gue selalu mikir, "Yaudahlah, gue kan masih sekolah ini, nanti aja dipikirinnya, kelarin dulu ini essay". Dan gitu selesai tesis, lha ya tiba saatnya gue mikirin itu semua, dan itu cukup overwhelming, karena pada saat itu rencana gue udah agak berantakan, karena menyimpang dari plan awal gue, karena ada beberapa irresponsible adjustments yang gue bikin. I almost broke down. There were moments I couldn't think straight, because I was so consumed by this. Honestly, I was such a mess back then.

But this and that happened, gue balik ke Jakarta, ketemu temen-temen lama, dan emang ya, ketemu orang-orang tuh selalu bisa ngasih perspektif baru. Gue lupa kalo kadang apa yang gue liat di media sosial ya cuma apa yang ditunjukkan sang pengguna kepada dunia, dan bukan keseluruhan dari hidupnya. Meanwhile dengan teman-teman gue, apalagi yang udah kenal lama, udah ga ada rahasia di antara kita, ya ternyata hidup ga selurus itu kok. Gue ga sendirian. Semua orang pasti punya moment 'lost' dalam hidupnya. Memang ada temen-temen gue yang udah settle, tapi yaudah, gue dan dia berbeda. We aims for different things in life. How we achieve that depends on us, yang penting ya keep moving.

Ada juga temen gue yang sama YOLOnya kayak gue, I swear to God we are so much alike, dan gue ga ngerasa sendirian lagi. Ga semua hal harus diburu-buru, yang penting tetep aim for continous improvement sih. Gimana cara mencapainya, everybody has their own time, their own pace, their own way, and their own moment. And that's okay. No need to rush everything :)

Running Away

Running away does not mean you are weak.
Running away means you acknowledge the sadness and pain, and you are not as strong as you thought you were.
Running away means you are trying to find help.
Running away means you choose not to wallow yourself in the hole of despair.
Sometimes, running away means saving yourself.

Dwell in Uncertainties

I swear to God I'm in the middle of writing my dissertation, but I feel like rambling at 12 AM, so here I am.

I had meaningful conversation yesterday, talking about life and how sometimes, we dwell in uncertainties and losing hope that everything will go as we plan. I have been there. I have been in a hole, for 6 months or longer, I honestly felt like that phase of my life was a blur, up until now.
I think it happens to everybody.
(I swear to God I don't know what I'm trying to say but I feel like writing)
Life sucks sometimes. For some of the people, life sucks most of the time. You feel like you're losing direction and everybody turns their back against you, well not really, it is just you feel worthless.
And that's okay.
Everybody has their moment, I guess. I won't say that it will be okay, I can only say that too shall pass. I don't know how it will turn up for you. I can only say, you either choose, or life choose it for you. Just remember, you won't be stuck forever. You can feel like you are in the middle of nowhere now, but trust me, it will change. I can only hope for you (whoever you are who reading this), it will turn good. If it's not now, maybe later.
I have a verse that guides my life from the moment I read this verse from Quran.

... It could be that you dislike something, when it is good for you; and it could be that you like something, when it is bad for you. Allah knows, and you do not know." - QS Al-Baqarah: 216

When you look at it for the first time, maybe you will think it's so cliche, as we human normally loves something that is bad for us, but we can unlove that, and we are very aware of that. But, as I took a walk this night going back home, I felt like it was beyond that. You don't know if it's good or bad for you, you just give it a best shot, and you love it wholeheartedly. But God knows. You may feel like it's so unfair when it is taken away from you, or when you fail, but I'd like to think that, when you're already giving the best effort, that is up to Him. And when we succeed, or fail, that is actually the answer. Everything happens for a reason. Just, give your best shot, and when you feel it is the best you can give, what happens after that is beyond your control. You might not understand it know, or forever, but I'd like think that there is greater plan for you behind that.

I swear this might sounds cliche, but honestly, that is how I avoid regret for these past years. I gave my best, and I stopped worrying. And just remember, whatever uncertainties you're having now, it will pass. It will become clearer and brighter, and you'll be in the road that is destined for you.

Student Again: At the End of the Road

Hi!

It's been ages tho, I'm not even sure if someone is still reading this blog (lol!), but if you're reading this, hi and thanks :D

Gue lagi in the middle of writing dissertation, well, actually, almost at the end of it, and I can't be more excited for this to end honestlyyyyy I'm so tired. The old habit came back, and I fell sick constantly (well, as expected), which fortunately did not get any worse than the one I've had before 3 years ago (3 years?!).

I had my 23th birthday 2 weeks ago, which happened to be my first birthday literally away from home, but interestingly even better than the ones I had before. Woken up to sweet messages from people (if only I could frame some of them), picked myself up from bed and cooked lunch for my bestfriends (biggest milestone of adulting: actually feeding people with my dishes), had semi-failed surprise but still lovely tho, took detour to had afternoon tea near home, and ended up with partying which well... not the best place I've ever been but eh okay for the night out. In summary, one of the best day I had in this city. Not to mention lovely messages and warm wishes from everyone that reminds me I'm still surrounded by good people which sometimes I take for granted.

My adventure in this city is almost over, like only 5 months left, yet I just started to appreciate this place more. You know the sayings, you don't know what you have until you lose it. But well, let's make this time the most out of it tho. So, I'm trying to go out more now, enjoy the sun, socializing with people, while simultaneously hoping the day would change faster and everything would be fine again.

Anyhoo, I'm still not sure what I'm trying to say in this post, just feel like to update something, altho I'm not sure anyone wants to feel updated...? Is there someone still reading this?

But well, wish me luck!

Student Again: 6 Months In, 6 Months Left

Honestly, it still feels like yesterday.

Kayaknya baru kemarin gue struggling to adapt, to keep up, to finish those damn essays,
dan sekarang gue udah bikin proposal tesis.
Up until this way, it is still vague, did I spend my time here just letting it went by?
Gue bukan tipe orang-orang yang pergi kemana-mana, ikut sana-sini, you know, that advantages being student abroad. I came here with clear mind about what I want to do.
Looking back, I don't feel regret, eventhough it is only 6 months left. But, is it really the best? Did I spent my time wisely?